Monongaheeeeyyyyy-ya, heeeeeyyy-ya River

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The Sirens

The Monongaheeeeyyyyy-ya, heeeeeyyy-ya River is a river that begins somewhere south of Pittsburgh, PA and comes to its end at the center of Pittsburgh, PA. Along with the Allegheny River, it forms the Ohio River.

The River

The River itself is a murky blue color with a white-gray fog constantly hovering above, or "abovering" its entire length. Even the strongest winds do not affect the fog. Scientists suggest that the fog is coming from an enormous football player factory located in a hyper-plane somewhere far away from Pittsburgh, but due to a time-flux, appears to be directly underneath the river. It is said that in order to navigate the river successfully, one must possess three things: a pure heart, a noble quest, and a foot-long submarine sandwich that must colloquially be referred to as a "hoagie" for the entire voyage. The murder rate on the river is an astonishingly high 99.8%, due to the presence of The Sirens that line the banks of the river, enchanting travelers with their enchanting songs before leading them to their untimely, and in some cases, timely, deaths. Only three people and one dog have managed to make the entire voyage without succumbing to the sirens.

The Sirens

The Sirens are situated on the banks of the river and churn out hit after electrifying hit of soulful, inspiring music. Nearly every person who attempts to cross the river by ship or on foot (when it's really cold out it freezes) has been distracted by The Sirens. Passengers and crew members alike have been seen fiercely shaking their hips and tapping their feet until their vessel careens violently into a rocky outcropping. Typically, there are no survivors. Even as their ships are sinking, satellite footage has revealed doomed passengers dancing and swerving defiantly to the infectious grooves of The Sirens, screaming not for help or for salvation but for more exuberantly joyful, genre-smashing pop hits.