Monongaheeeeyyyyy-ya, heeeeeyyy-ya River

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The Sirens

The Monongaheeeeyyyyy-ya, heeeeeyyy-ya River is a river that begins somewhere south of Pittsburgh, PA and comes to its end at the center of Pittsburgh, PA. Along with the Allegheny River, it forms the Ohio River.

The River

The River itself is a murky blue color with a white-gray fog constantly hovering above, or "abovering", its entire length. Even the strongest winds do not affect the fog. Scientists suggest that the fog is coming from an enormous football player factory located on a hyper-plane somewhere far away from Pittsburgh, but due to mass hallucination, appears to be directly beneath the river. It is said that in order to navigate the river successfully, one must possess three things: a pure heart, a noble quest, and a foot-long submarine sandwich that must colloquially be referred to as a "hoagie" for the entire voyage. The murder rate on the river is an astonishingly high 99.8%, due to the presence of The Sirens that line the banks of the river, enchanting travelers with their enchanting songs before leading them to their deaths. Only three people, all coincidentally named Charles, and one dog, also coincidentally named Charles, have managed to make the entire voyage without succumbing to the sirens.

The Sirens

The Sirens are situated on the banks of the river and churn out hit after electrifying hit of soulful, inspiring music. Nearly every person who attempts to cross the river by ship or on foot (when it's really cold out it freezes) has been distracted by The Sirens. Passengers and crew members alike have been seen fiercely shaking their hips and tapping their feet until their vessel careens violently into a rocky outcropping. Typically, there are no survivors. Even as their ships are sinking, satellite footage has revealed doomed passengers dancing and swerving defiantly to the infectious grooves of The Sirens, screaming not for salvation but for more exuberantly joyful, genre-smashing pop hits.

Naming conventions

Pittsburgh law requires that in casual settings, the title of the river must be pronounced as it is sung in the song. In more formal proceedings, such as during legal hearings and when ordering entrées at Buffalo Wild Wings, at least two verses of the song must be sung, and all parties being addressed by the singer must lend them some sugar, as they are his or her neighbor. Failure to uphold either half of this arrangement results in an immediate jail sentence of 9000 lightyears. Because lightyears measure distance and not time, the sentence is measured in laps around the Allegheny County Jail's prison yard. This sentencing method has resulted in incredibly deep ruts in the prison yard, extending hundreds of miles into the Earth. Every prisoner who has received this judgment has melted in the Earth's outer core before completing their sentence, and they are therefore remanded to Ghost Jail.